Assembly-line friendships

OK. So, what did my time with 'BB' teach me? (*Apart* from how to dodge a nifty right hook. But that's a whole other story).

We met in the fag fug of Horsemeat Disco, when I was blearily exiting a previous relationship, and had been looking for nothing more than a bit of fun. A fuzzy frolic by the pool table, led to coffees and (oh how noughties gay London) further dates - workout dates - at Soho Gym in Waterloo.

It soon became clear that 'BB' was driven by a number of things...but, actually, most of them pretty straight-forward. The categeries of Top Trumps that he was particularly interested in?

• Muscle (and it was about SIZE)
• Furriness
• Masculinity

But basically, what he was looking for was strokes. The 'warm fuzzies' that he got when a guy who ticked all the attractiveness boxes gave him a little bit of attention. And it was that most powerful of motivators - insecurity - that gave him his drive.

Now, us gays are generally pretty fluent in the language of attraction and the dynamics of desire. And we have diversified our relationship structures to accommodate them... So, for many in the 'straight world', non-traditional and non-monogamous relationships may seem worthy of a 'behind-closed-doors-exposé', but I've been living the intricacies of friends in 'trouples', and navigating my way around the politics and politeness of couples with open relationships since I came onto the scene.

Now it's pretty clear what's going-on within these relationships - it's real-world and real-time and plain to see. But with the rise (and rise) of online social networking, what happens to monogamous couples when the online networking seems to move beyond 'social' and into 'sexual' territory?

With 'BB' I knew the offline stuff that happened. He had a broad circle of friends, and loved to be chummy with the hottest guys on the scene. He got a lot of strokes that way. But it was something that I knew about, and didn't feel threatened by.

But when 10 or 15 hot new 'friends' appeared on his Facebook profile every day (and each profile picture was a variation on the theme of - you guessed it - muscled, hairy torso), then I started to wonder what was going-on. What was he getting from these guys? And how did it reflect on our relationship?

My conclusion is that social (and sexual) networking on the internet allows us to do assembly-line friendships.

Stick with me here. Prior to the industrial revolution, production of goods was by artisans or craftsmen. Basically, if you wanted some shoes, you went to a cobbler, and they made the shoes themselves, for you, from the basic components. With the rise of Taylorist management science, and the advent of mass-manufacturing processes (as pioneered by Henry Ford) manufacturing tasks were broken down into smaller and smaller components, and labour became very specialist. So, with our cobbler example, there would now be one person who's only job (and only skill) was to cut the leather upper for the shoe, someone else to punch the eyelets, and yet another to stitch the sole.

Are we doing the same with our friends? Are we breaking-down the craftsmanlike nature of what it takes to be a 'fully-qualified' friend or lover, to develop a set of specialist 'friends' whose role is to provide different elements of our relationship needs?

It became clear to me that 'BB' was using the internet to flirt. Pure & simple. He was using those hot, hairy torsos to give him a regular drip feed of validation. And that was a drug. Why stick with the real compliments and caresses of one lover, when you can access the strokes from a thousand virtual ones....even if that's all that they give you. It's intoxicating.

But where do the rest of us go from here?

How does it affect the quality of our relationships, if - like assembling a Ford Model T - we are going to one set of friends for flirting, another set of friends for sex, another set of friends for emotional intimacy, and another set of friends for domesticity?

I don't have an answer. But my heart tells me that having so many different identities isn't healthy for the soul. I think I aspire to being a Master Craftsman of Friendship.

Gay Top Trumps: Collectable, Competitive, Compulsive

Do you know the game Top Trumps?

It was a playground favourite of mine. Played behind the school kitchens during recess (or "playtime" as we called it back in early 80s Britain). In retrospect, I was always quite quick on the uptake when it came to games - both the childish type and the ones we spend our adult lives working on - so maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. It was a practice run for the real-life comparisons and everyday competition that are a part of adult life.

Much has been talked about when it comes to the sexualisation of society. Botox Mom being the latest example of adult concepts of attractiveness or success being imposed on children (beauty pageants for 5 year olds, anyone?) - but there are plenty more of them out there.

As a young man, growing-up gay, I also transitioned into a world beyond "playtime", where the adult games that we played were so much more serious, and the potential spoils so much richer. I'm often reminded of Top Trumps, and how it's the stakes that change - not the games.

The "gay community" has historically defined itself in relation to "the straight world". And we have our own unique twist on the criteria for attractiveness and success. It is an interesting case study on what happens in a free market, when all regulation is removed. Consumer power rules! Buy! Buy! Buy, baby!

Sexual consumerism gives us a way of assessing our value - both as buyers and sellers. And that's what brings me back to Top Trumps. The lesson that this game teaches is all about competitive advantage. What have you got that is better than the people you're competing with? And this was the lesson that I learned (the hard way) when I did my 2nd growing-up as a gay man. In a perfect market, everyone can see who's got the broadest shoulders, the bluest eyes, the best butt or the optimal height...

How's a guy to compete? And how's a guy to come-to-terms with his place in 'the pecking order'?

1. Self-improvement: Any wonder that they used to hand out a gym membership with your membership card for the international homo fraternity?
2. Switch to a new market: Supply and demand.... if what you're selling is fat & hairy, then hawking it to a crowd of muscle-chasers is a hiding to nothing. Whereas in Bear World, fat & hairy is the gold standard
3. Move the goalposts: If you can't compete on biceps, try comparison against educational attainment. If 5'7" just ain't making the grade against a shade over 6', well, then maybe a $50K higher salary can help you walk taller.

It is the essence of Top Trumps that helps the underdogs of the gay world cushion our egos. It's a move from the simplistic view of erotic capital, (that the straight world seems to be waking-up to) - but a broader sense of the worth that individuals have to offer...and a clearer understanding of heterogeneous sexual demand, and the proliferation of what constitutes 'the ideal' in our gay commodity market.